It was the 2009 Fall semester, and Kasee accompanied me to the campus washateria to do laundry. As my clothes were drying, we sat at a nearby table and ordered fries. I guess you could say we were on an inexpensive campus date.
As we were chatting, a girl walked up and angrily asked Kasee, “Why didn’t you return my text last night?”
He replied, “What?” And so she was forced to repeat the question.
He chuckled and calmly responded, “Can’t you see I’m talking with someone right now?”
Sensing his lack of concern, the lady rolled her eyes and walked away.
In that moment, two things crossed my mind. One, that was #awkard. And Two, I couldn’t believe that he was still texting other females when he had someone like me! I was offended.
As soon as she left, I asked, “so you text other people?”
He sincerely replied, “yes, you don’t?”
We went on to have a very mature conversation about our relationship’s reality and concluded that we would continue to date and have a good time, and whenever one of us needed the exclusivity, we would have another conversation.
Months went by, and we continued to spend hours on the phone, go on dates, and surprise each other with thoughtful gestures—all without the promise of exclusivity. And then the day came when I was ready to have the discussion and made it clear that I wanted to be his only female companion.
Looking back, I still rushed that timeline because 19-year-old Chasmine didn’t understand the value of openly dating, but now I do. I believe you should give yourself the freedom to court a potential mate and openly talk to other people until you guys make it official, and here’s why.
They Choose you
Imagine you want a new car, so you plan to test-drive vehicles, intending to purchase one soon. Now imagine you walk the lot of your dream car, and the salesman tells you that if you test-drive that vehicle, you can not look at any other cars, and he expects you to purchase that car by the end of the month.
In this exaggerated example, the logic seems crazy, but that’s how many of us approach our relationships, including me. It’s the reason I was offended during the washateria experience. I wanted Kasee to block all other options because he had already found the best thing possible, in my opinion.
Although true, that was a conclusion he needed to come to for himself. I didn’t want to force that.
When you allow your person to explore other options, you give them the freedom to CHOOSE you. And ultimately, that’s what you want. You want to know that they’re with you because they want to be, and not because you forced them to make a swift decision.
You Enjoy The Dating Experience
There are levels of relationships, and dating is level one. You date a person to see if they possess qualities worthy of level two.
Dating is where you begin building a solid foundation for the relationship you deserve. You can openly communicate your expectations and understand your partner’s as well. Allow yourself time to enjoy the courting phase full of date nights, open conversations, and long texts without the pressure of rushing to the next stage.
Generally, people are more comfortable opening up when there are no strings attached. So enjoy the fun side of dating and use the opportunity to grow deeper with one another. No matter how long it takes.
For this to work, you have to ensure your level two valuables don’t make an appearance during the dating phase because then you’ll quickly begin to expect level two treatment.
And when that happens, you spend more energy trying to make it official and less time enjoying your person’s company, which isn’t fun for anyone.
Single Mode Off
Before Kasee and I could have a real chance, some contacts needed to be deleted, ties needed to be cut, and hearts needed to be broken. And we needed time to do that.
When we rush into relationships, we don’t always give our person (and ourselves) the opportunity to transition into something new. And those unresolved issues spill over into your relationship.
Provide your person the opportunity to mourn their ex, deal with past trauma, and delete dating apps so that they can really focus on you. You deserve someone that loves you without emotional baggage. This will be especially important if this is someone you chose to marry and start a family with.
THE VERDICT
Every situation is different, and what we deem reasonable varies by circumstance. Set expectations but go into the dating experience with an open heart and mind. And if they’re not ready to settle down after a year or two, well, then go ahead a move around!
