If you haven’t already, I advise you to read parts one, two, and three of our story before proceeding. Otherwise, enjoy!
Saturday Morning
I didn’t sleep much the night before because I had to pump every two hours to get my milk production flowing. Luckily, I was an overproducer, and the nurses fed him my milk throughout his first night.
Even with the lack of sleep, I was up bright and early, ready to meet my little prince. I phoned the nurse and told her I wanted my catheter removed so that I could visit my baby in the NICU,
She told me that she would remove it, but I couldn’t visit him until they opened at 8.
Once the nurse got me squared away, I took a shower, ate breakfast, and waited eagerly for her return.
She arrived at 8 sharp and wheeled me to the NICU.
When I arrived at the unit, I saw Grayson’s tiny body enclosed in an isolette. He had an IV in his left hand, a monitoring sock on his right foot, and three cords stickered on his chest. He was sucking a pacifier (that I had not approved btw) and was sleeping soundly.
After taking him in for about a minute, the nurse asked if I wanted to hold him. And I quickly replied, “Yes!”
They placed his tiny little body in my arms, and my heart burst. They had connected me with my missing piece.
I couldn’t contain the tears as they rolled down my face. I was so happy to be able to love on my little bundle.
After about 15 minutes, the nurse informed me that I needed to put him back in the isolette. She explained that he was supposed to be in the womb, so he needed as few distractions as possible to properly grow and develop. Although I knew it was best, it was still hard to hand him back over.
Once we closed him in,I stood over his isolette for as long as my body would allow and then asked my nurse to wheel me back.
Saturday Afternoon
When I got back to the room, I flipped through some tv, ate lunch, and kept pumping every 2 hours.
At some point, I received a call from the NICU saying they would give Grayson his first bath, and that I could come and watch, and feed him afterward. I was super excited.
I told my nurse that I needed to be back at the NICU by 7:30, and she promised she’d be on time.
Well, of course, she wasn’t. But I figured 10 minutes wouldn’t be a big deal.
When we got the NICU, the nurse explained that they had started 15 minutes early, and I’d missed both his bath and feeding. Again, tears.
At that moment, I didn’t even feel like a mom. I felt like an outsider who had no control over what happened with my baby. And although I knew the nurses had his best interest in mind, my heart still hurt.
They did let me hold him for 30 minutes before asking me to put him away. I kissed his little head and promised to return in the morning.
Sunday
The next morning, I walked myself to the NICU because I didn’t want to wait for the nurse. When I arrived, I pulled up a chair and sat next to him.
This time his isolette shined blue lights, and Grayson had the tiniest eye mask covering his face. The doctor explained he had high levels of bilirubin in his blood, resulting in Jaundice. So he was performing Phototherapy to reduce his levels.
After two hours, I returned to my room to pump and rest. I repeated this cycle three times that day.
Monday
On Monday, I let Kasee visit, because I had seen him two days in a row, and we agreed to take turns. Each time one of us went, we were sure to take plenty of pictures to show the other.
Later that afternoon, I was discharged from the hospital, and I think that was the most challenging day of my life. Nothing prepares you for giving birth and leaving the hospital without your baby.
Naturally, I cried as I was wheeled to the car. I was jealous of the moms who happily carried their baby’s car seat on their laps. The feelings of inadequacy and emptiness swallowed me.
I was emotional during the car ride home and throughout the night. I received countless messages from friends and family saying, “Congratulations!” and “Hope all is well,” but all wasn’t well. I was heartbroken.
The good news was that Grayson was doing great. He didn’t have any significant health complications and just needed to gain weight before coming home. I was, and still am, very grateful for that.
NICU
Over the next ten days, my schedule was identical. Since only one of us could visit, Kasee would drive me to the hospital as soon as it opened and pick me up when it closed for the night.
For the first few days, I just watched as the nurses fed, bathed, and cared for Grayson. I would hold him occasionally but spent most of the day watching him through the isolette. I was committed to doing whatever it took to get him home faster. Not to mention I was also recovering from my c-section and had to take things slow.
While I was in his area, I would overhear the doctor’s conversations with other parents, whose situation was far worse, and I would feel guilty. Some of these parents dealt with life-threatening conditions, and I was sad because I selfishly wanted my baby at home.
Every morning I arrived, I would feel whole, and each night I left felt like the first night all over again.
I spent lots of time browsing the internet for comfort posts and NICU success stories. And when I wasn’t doing that, I’d read daily devotions, begging God for strength to get me through that time.
By day 6, I was in full control of feeding, bathing, and caring for Grayson. The nurses only intervened when he needed blood drawn. I was finally beginning to feel like a mom!
On April 12th, the doctor reported that Grayson had reached four pounds. All he needed to do was sit in his car seat for 2 hours without any health scares, and we could take him home the next day. I could hardly contain my excitement and asked Kasee to bring the car seat on his way back to me.
The next morning they discharged Grayson, and for the first time, we were all together as a complete family.